chucks die diary fuck off

01/04/23
I never written things before don’t know how to write good but will do my best like uncle said to.  Just do your best chuck that’s all you can do in this godforsaken world yes uncle.

I been trying to make friends in here but it’s hard cause of how I look the others think I’m something I’m not.  I can’t blame them when I look in the mirror see the tattoo uncle gave me.

There’s neccers in here too.  Neccers everywhere.

I try to smile to make friends cause uncle said you gotta have friends in this fucked up world but with my teeth missing I don’t think it works.  Missing my teeth is a new thing so I’ve been sitting at lunch or breakfast or dinner just touching the space where my teeth were with my tongue because it’s so new.  I think it makes me look scarier because I see neccers staring at me and when I look at them they look away.

I don’t like how the neccers dare stare at me how they say things about me while their eyes are on me how they laugh.  Neccers shouldn’t be in here with us they shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near us.  Jose said neccers should be shipped to an island like Australia get ‘em away from us jose said uncle said yeah har har.  Jose keeps a shotgun loaded under the counter of his hardstore store just for neccers jose said.  He’s got a grenade too jose showed me once when uncle wasn’t looking.  I member the day jose took out shotgun black neccer gang in their low rider giving him the eye jose said I cap your ass you come back.  Anfernee was with ‘em neccer gang saw him the fucker.

Neccers make me go red but I do my best not to show that’s what got me here in the first place high desert state.  Uncle said doing time made him the man he was uncle said you got to watch your back doing time uncle said you got to stand up for yourself inside.  Like today when that neccer jackson said something that made me so red.

Jackson is the biggest in here.  He’s always starting shit like he wants to stay here for his whole life or something and since he’s the biggest it means he always wins the fights unless one of the guards breaks it up before he knocks the other guy out.  Heard he’ll never go next door to california correctional he keeps starting shit.  My first day here I saw Jackson beating on dick derek I knew Jackson would be after me soon enough.  I knew he’d come for me I didn’t know it would be today.

It was lunch I was walking to a table so I didn’t see when Jackson hit my tray and my food went all over me.  All the others laughed I hate hearing neccers laugh.  Jackson was smiling I saw he had a gold tooth that flashed so bright it hit my eyes.  I started getting red the way I do.

I could feel the red coming on but I squashed it down I put it down I put it back inside me where it went away but only slowly I could still feel it there.  Guards were watching fuckers would take it out on me cause neccers get breaks neccers got to be treated different just cause they’re neccers.  But I could feel Jackson looking at me.  When I turned around later he was staring at me grinning licking his gold tooth like he was a lion or something.

I thought I’d see him again in the shower block or at lunch or breakfast or dinner but he surprised me when he came at me outside.  They let us out here in the day.  Place reminds me of home different groups doing their own things.  Just like la-la land uncle called home.  In la-la land they hang together for protection in here same thing.  Only difference they all have to hang together in high desert there nowhere else to go.

Derek’s a runt but he’s okay.  He’s no neccer he’s okay.  Derek said he’s getting out end of month going over the fence derek called it over the fence to california correctional.  He calls it over the fence cause the outside fence kills you if you touch it only way to get over is to get transfer.  They got work programs at california correctional where you get outside and fight fires derek said how cool would that be fighting fires.  Derek don’t get to do nothing but clean cause he’s a weed he a janitor in here when there’s neccers working on cars even a neccer teaching other neccers schooling.  Not right uncle would call it not right.  Dead should be our janitors not other way round.

Derek said watch out chuck and that neccer jackson came up behind me.  He said you nothing but a white trash faggot lucky someone had knocked your fucking teeth out otherwise you a bucktoothed faggot and the more he said it the redder I got.

The red went over my eyes.  It made Jackson darker it made the world around him bleed blood.  I tried to stop it but it was too strong I couldn’t stop cause he just kept saying things at me which got me deader redder and redder.

I could see his face right up close to mine his dead fucking face.  He spat at me.

The next thing I know jackson was on the ground he looked scared so scared because I was standing over him with my foot on his throat I was pushing down hard.  Uncle said neccers you can’t kill ‘em but no matter what they say they member pain neccers member pain and you chuck you can make ‘em fear.
I looked around there were people everywhere shouting screaming spitting words watching me with my foot on jackson’s throat.  They like a good fight at high desert.  Then a guard tackled me we fell I scratched my face and arms.
Jackson ran away.  Guards held me down until I stopped thrashing said calm down easy now and I stopped cause I wasn’t dead red at the guard and he was stronger than me so I couldn’t get up unless I did.  When I stopped he got off me.  Some other guards came up waved the others away.  Guard picked me up put his hand on my shoulder like uncle always did.  He looked at jackson running away.  He laughed he really did he laughed.

He said it was about time someone gave that one a beating I’m only sorry it wasn’t me.  He said I won’t report this would only cause you more trouble and I know it’s jackson’s fault.

I don’t see jackson again until doctor tibio time that’s what derek calls it tibio time.  Doctor tibio comes and talks to us in a group tries to get us all to talk bout what we did to get put in high desert.  Derek said doctor tibio was a good guy gave us all these books to write in doctor tibio said writing can help me.  I don’t need help he does all them neccer lovers.

Jackson ain’t saying nothing not looking at me.  Uncle said you put the fear o’ god in neccers only way they learn they ain’t better than us uncle said.  Uncle would make me sit on the porch watch the neccer gangs cruising the streets watch the neccers walking round like they own the world uncle said.  Uncle would make me watch anfernee’s house next door all the neccers going in and out.  Uncle said neccers will ruin America.

Doctor tibio said I want to talk about livism today.

No one said nothing does anyone know what livism is doctor tibio said.  Derek put his hand up it’s when someone hurts you cause of how you live.  Doctor tibio said close derek it’s when a living person hurts another person because they’re dead or reserve livism is when a dead person hurts another person because they’re alive.  Doctor tibio looked at me doctor tibio said chuck what do you think about that.
I said I don’t think nothing bout that.  Doctor tibio wrote something in his little book always writing in his book that must be why he gave us books cause he wants us to write like he does.  Derek said doctor tibio is helping him will help him get out of high desert you should listen to doctor tibio derek said he can get you out.
Doctor tibio said that’s an interesting tattoo on your neck did you do it yourself.  I said uncle gave it to me when I turned sixteen.  He took me to jose’s store and I sat out back and they gave me a 40 ounce and jose put this gun thing on my neck and it felt like a million tiny needles pricking my skin but I liked it.

Doctor tibio said do you know what that symbol means chuck I said yeah doctor tibio said would you tell the others what it means.

Jackson said we all know what it means motherfucker you making it worse getting him to talk bout it.

Doctor tibio said chuck was talking jackson it’ll be your turn soon enough.

Derek said I like his tattoo.

Jackson said you faggots stick together.

Doctor tibio said that’s enough jackson.

Jackson said no it ain’t not it ain’t this is bullshit him sitting there like that fucking livist all you fuckers.

I said shut your dead mouth.

Then doctor tibio had to call the guards cause jackson tried to fight me.

05/04/23
Uncle used to take me to church somedays.  Uncle and me we’d get in his truck and we’d drive drive drive because where we lived was a bit of aways from the chuch on vermont and vernon.  uncle would sing to the radio which always cracked me cause he’s not a very good singer but he didn’t seem to care he just kept singing.  He liked old stuff.  He’d sing when my baby’s walking down the street and I’d sing I see red I see red I see red and when I told him how bad he was he’d sing louder just because I said he was bad.  I always liked our times driving to town cause uncle liked driving it made him happy he’d smile laugh joke.  But the more we drove the less he’d sing smile laugh joke cause of what he saw.

All the neccers on the streets in suits driving cars reading newspapers one wearing a board saying the end of the world is coming one walking a dog one playing three card with a bunch more a bus of ‘em on figueroa neccers everywhere.

Uncle said land of the fucking living dead this country’s going to hell in a hand basket uncle said letting the dead vote ruined america no wonder that neccer ramsey keeps getting relected.  This country needs a shot in the arm uncle said they say in less than five years there’ll be more neccers than lifers in this goddamn country clogging the fucking welfare lines living on our goddamn streets uncle said.  Hell there’s neccers teaching in high schools chuck can you believe it fucking neccer teachers good idea taking you out of school best thing for you uncle said yes uncle I said.  He’d say stuff like that all the way to church.

Uncle would pick up jose uncle would give me some cash to get them short dogs.

The grocer near jose was uncle’s friend like jose his name was carl.  Carl would let me look at the old magazines gave me gum when I was little carl was a good guy when he was alive.  Carl was shot by a neccer gang on gravediggers uncle said they robbed him and shot him for a lousy ten bucks uncle said fucking neccers.
I used to see carl after that when uncle would pick up jose for church.  Uncle wouldn’t get me to get them short dogs from carls after that cause carl was a neccer and I don’t give money to neccers uncle said.

Church was the rainbow church on vermont and vernon.  Uncle said the building used to be called the rainbow church our church wasn’t called the rainbow church that was just where we had to meet.  Uncle said we go to the invisible church.

Rainbow church was small had signs out front said jesus heals father son holy ghost holy trinity stuff like that but the signs were faded like years.  Jose said jesus’ name fades when there’s hell on earth uncle said fades but don’t disappear.

The door was boarded up we had to go round the side through the cellar uncle would make sure no one saw us followed us before he’d open the cellar doors let us in.  Jose led us through the dark up the stairs into the church.  There was signs in there not faded the signs said proud to protect I want you in the black knights of mississippi we are all loyal clansmen.  One sign was same as my tattoo black cross on red it hung beside a bit of rope made into a noose that uncle said we used that in the good old days.

The preacher would start up Jose uncle would put on their robes black over they heads with eyes cut out smiley mouths uncle said you ain’t old enough to have your own robs yet chuck but you will someday I said when uncle said soon my boy soon.

The preacher william joseph simmons uncle said his name was the preacher said an invasion of armies can be resisted but not an idea whose time has come the preacher said genesis one twenty eight says every life is precious the preacher said brothers I say life is precious life is for the living the dead shall not inherit god’s green earth the church said amen the preacher said repent for the kingdom is here the deaf hear the blind see the lame walk and the dead are coming to life uncle said amen the preacher said the right of revolution uncle said amen brother amen jose said revolution the preacher said the black nights knights assumes the dignity of a revolution the protest of a proud race against conditions not be be endured not a movement for weaklings but for men challenging fate and swearing that life liberty the pursuit of happiness is ours and our children’s at any cost the church said amen father amen.

When church finished uncle would take jose back to his store they’d have short dogs talk low uncle would let me look around jose’s store go on uncle said leave us be.

I saw anfernee once after church.  Anfernee lived next door.  Uncle said anfernee’s family were squatters but the gov-e-ment couldn’t do anything bout it because of the law uncle said neccers got away with murder with a neccer as president.

Uncle said someone should just take care of them all one night do the world a fervor favor uncle said.

I watched anfernee for a while he was sitting in a car with two more neccers laughing they all were cracking about something.   Then anfernee’s grandpa came up I knew him uncle always pointed him out uncle said he used to be a good man til he died.  It looked like anfernee’s grandpa was angry real red bout something cause the other boys scattered anfernee’s head was hanging real low.  Anfernee must have been real scarred scared cause he didn’t say or do nothing.  I knew how that felt when uncle got up me so I know what he was feeling red probably but in a different way.

I could hear them anfernee’s grandpa said what you doing why aren’t you in school how you expect to make something of your life.  Anfernee said what life grandpa I’m dead and that’s all I’ll be anfernee’s grandpa said don’t you say that don’t ever say that and don’t you ever let anyone say that to you anfernee said we ain’t nothing if we’re dead anfernee’s grandpa said that’s just what they want you to believe anfernee that you’re nothing you got to make do with what god gives you.  Uncle said come on chuck we walked out.  Anfernee’s grandpa saw us anfernee’s grandpa said good day to you roy uncle didn’t say nothing.

Anfernee said why you say that to him why you be all friendly to him he always calling you a neccer that mother fucker anfernee’s grandpa said you don’t use that mouth around me you hear.

I could feel the red coming the red that uncle said is my power I got so red the bush around them looked like it was on fire.  Anfernee and anfernee’s grandpa grew dark in my eyes darker then they really was my head hurt my chest hurt my eyes I hurt all over it was so red.

Then uncle was there hand on my soul shoulder pulling me away.  uncle said don’t worry the time will come as he pulled me away.  The red the red went away slow.  By the time we got to the truck it was all gone gone away.  But my eyes were locked with anfernee as his grandpa walked him away and anfernee watched me the whole way too.

I hate that neccer I said.  uncle said that’s good hate is good.

10/04/23
When doctor tibio talks to me he asks quests questions.  Today doctor tibio said I want to talk bout anfernee.

I don’t say nothing.  I don’t want to tell doctor tibio about anfernee doctor tibio said I’m only trying to help you member to help you I don’t say nothing doctor tibio said you know that if you talk I can help you get out of here.

I said you say that to derek doctor tibio said yes I do and I mean it I said you shouldn’t tell lies how’s that help him when jackson’s pounding his ass.

Doctor tibio moved in his seat doctor tibio said we’re not here to talk about derek chuck doctor tibio said I want to talk about you and anfernee doctor tibio smiles said just relax you look so tense just trust me.

I said okay.

Doctor tibio said good doctor tibio said now I want you to close your eyes chuck that’s it it’s okay everything’s fine.  I just want you to relax are you relaxed doctor tibio said I want you to go back to a certain day, a certain place just try to remember there’s a place I want you to try and remember a church I want you to picture the church on vermont avenue do you remember it doctor tibio said keep your eyes closed remember the church picture the church do you see the church chuck.

I said yeah.  It’s small and old and it has two doors on the front that are always boarded up we get in through the cellar doctor tibio said that’s good chuck now I want you to walk towards the church to the cellar doors just slowly you’re just walking nothing can hurt you I want you to go inside to go through the doors.

I said I don’t want to.

Doctor tibio said I know you don’t want to chuck but there’s nothing to fear just walk in go through the doors what do you see what’s sins inside the church chuck.
I said I don’t know it’s all red inside and it was all red red red everywhere.

Doctor tibio said what exactly is dead red.

I said there’s posters hanging from the walls and there’s people lots of people they’re all red but I know they’re wearing black why are they red doctor tibio said it’s okay church it’s okay doctor tibio sounded real excited he said what’s happening in the church tell me what you see.

I said the ceiling I can see the ceiling like a ribcage like I’m inside the chest of an animal I said the beams cross the ceiling there’s a peak in the middle and and there’s something there hung hanging from the ceiling.

I didn’t like telling doctor tibio this stuff it hurts my head but doctor tibio and his words wouldn’t stop I know they wouldn’t not til I’d told him bout what was hanging from the church beams that’s what he wants to hear from me.

I said it’s hard to see it’s so red I can see a rope there’s someone someone hanging from the rope.

Doctor tibio said who is it.

I said I don’t know I said doctor tibio I can feel someone right behind me but I don’t want to look at them I can feel them breathing on my neck.

Doctor tibio said calm yourself chuck whoever it is can’t hurt you here you’re safe here.

But they’re right behind me I can feel them real close to my back I can feel something on my shoulder gripping me I can’t get it off I try but it won’t let go.

Doctor tibio said relax chuck relax I want you to turn around now.

I can’t someone’s held holding me holding me there.

Doctor tibio said yes you can I want you to turn around and look at the person behind you chuck.

No it’s too red I don’t want to.

Nothing’s going to happen chuck. It’s just a memoir memory and memories can’t hurt you I want you to turn around and look at them I want you to see them it’s easy I’ll tell you what to do doctor tibio said just turn slew slowly just let your eyes sweep across the church let your head turn so you’re facing behind you facing the person at your back just do it nice and easy chuck nice and easy.

I say okay okay I’m turning.

Doctor tibio said what do you see.

I see the will walls the church it looks like the walls are coming closer closing in on me they’re so red it hurts my eyes.  I see the rape rope it’s there on the edge of my eyes it’s moving with me and there’s something hung hanging from it something that looks like an animal strung up it’s hard to see to turn the wait weight on my shoulder heavy getting heavier I can feel my head turning but something is stopping me holding me the walls the walls are right up to me now they’re so close crowding me in it’s all red so bright.

I can see a face I can see a face.

Doctor tibio said who is it chuck whose face is it but it hurts hurts my head my head my eyes can’t I can’t see who it is I can’t see I see I see I see it’s uncle doctor tibio said your uncle.

Uncle’s got his hand on my shoulder he’s holding me like he does he’s smiling but his mouth is full of blood ruining running down his chest he looks so happy I’ve never seen him look so happy uncle has something in his hand he lifts it up doctor tibio said what is it what do you see.

It’s jose’s grenade he’s got the grenade he’s lifting it lining up my face he’s gonna hit me he’s gonna hit me with it he’s gonna hit me he he NO HE HIT ME HE HIT ME WITH THE GRENADE NO UNCLE NO UNCLE NO WHY DID YOU HIT ME  I DIDN’T DO NOTHING  IT WAS HIM UNCLE IT WASN’T ME  UNCLE  UNCLE  UNCLE I CAN SEE THE ROPE IT’S ME IT’S ME IT’S ME HANGING FROM THE ROPE UNCLE HELP ME I’M CHOKING HELP ME UNCLE PLEASE I DIDN’T DO NOTHING UNCLE HELP ME I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER NO MORE

14/04/23
I saw jackson today he got me red again.

He was picking on derek again like he always did.  It was breakfast showertime and I was late.  When it’s showertime we all go to a showerblock like the ones they have at town pools.  Some of them here don’t like showering together but they have to there’s no private here.

We all shower together in this big room with lots of showerheads stuck in the walls like the pictures uncle showed me once of this showerroom at this camp in germ many germany where all these bald sin skinny naked people were taken.  uncle said that is where unclean people go to be cleansed which made sense to me since there were showerheads all around the big room full of bald skinny naked people just like the showerroom here.  Only the people here don’t look like the ones in the pictures they were all skinny like sticks.

I was late by the time I got there the other boys were at breakfast.  I got undressed put a towel on went into the showers.  It was steamy like someone had left the hot water on I couldn’t see much it was like fog.  But I heard voices crying laughing talking.

I went through the steam until I saw who it was it was derek lying on the floor.  There was bled red blood he was crying lying on his stomach naked on the floor.  Jackson was standing over him laughing calling him bitch.  He didn’t see me he was looking at derek.

Derek tried to claw crawl away but jackson kicked him in the ribs like you would a dog.  derek curled up into a ball crying jackson went to kick him again I couldn’t let him get away with it.  I rash rushed jackson pushed him hit him against the wall.  He bounced off it looking all angry like he was gonna hit back but when he saw me he dropped his fist looking all confused now.

I said get off him.

His face got red I saw his eyes were bloodshot his lips sort of wobbling his teeth grinning.

Jackson said that’s twice now you’ve suckered me and twice is all you’ll get.

I started getting red again like I always did but I didn’t lose time this time like I do.  The red came down over my eyes I saw jackson he looked weird in the steam he wavered like heat on the highway.  The red took over everything was red I looked at my fists so tight they made my palms ache my fists were red redder than I’d ever seen them.  The red was there all over me waiting to take me over but I held it back I kept it there stopped it just before it could take me.

Then jackson backed away disappearing into the dream steam like he was never there.  Slowly real slow the red left me.

I reached down packed picked derek up but he couldn’t stand on his feet properly he was sort of limping hunching moaning.  I walked him out of the showers he walked strange like he’d fallen on his tale tailbone which hurts like hell I know I’ve done it heaps of times.

I said why don’t you stand up for yerself.

He just cried.

I said you’re a pansy you’re weak you deserve the trouble you get cause you don’t stand up for yerself.

I put him on one of the benches told him to sort himself out go to breakfast and I went and had my shower.  The shower was hot read red hot and I wondered if I would be clan cleansed like uncle said the bald skinny naked people had been in their showerroom back in germany.  But I guess it would take a lot more red hot water than this.

17/04/23
I member anfernee now more than I did I member things he said to me the places he said them.  That’s what the diary is for doctor tibio said but he said a lot of things too many more much sometimes.  But I do member so maybe what he said this time is right.

I member the house uncle’s house wasn’t much but enough for us.  I used to play underneath army men in the dirt when I was young sit on the porch with uncle in the afternoon uncle said make sure you watch the cars chuck watch for neccers they want to shoot you dead to join them yes uncle.

One night I was on the porch uncle was sleeping it was late I had the lights off so no one would see me I saw anfernee his brothers pulling up in a car.  Anfernee’s people were having this big party going I could see it from our porch I could see shapes moving around dancing they looked like dark night shadows.  Uncle was sleeping inside I wanted to see more so I went over.

I up to the fence getting closer closer trying not to make noise.  The closer I got the more I could hear the music it was just drums and singing the singing sounded like wailing the rest was just jabbering noise.

They had a fire going in a drum out the back I could see people dancing round the fire more sitting in the darkness a little way away drinking short dogs smoking cigarettes like real people.  It made me red seeing them having so much fun when uncle said times are hard times are tough for lifers uncle said and here these neccers were partying it up like times weren’t rough tough no times weren’t tough for them at all.

I was lying as close as I thought I could get when I heard someone coming towards me.  I got down as low as I could go hoping the light of the fire wasn’t enough to see me by I heard voices.

One sounded like a man he said is that the place.

The other was anfernee he said yeah.

The man said you just leave them be anfernee and they leave you be anfernee said this one’s diffident different I see him going in an old church I seen them through the window.

The man said what you playing at fool sneaking around after lifers anfernee said it’s cool no one see me the man said you one tough little neccer anferenee laughed.

The man said you just stay away from him anfernee you and your bother brothers I know them that lives there know their kind the man said don’t mess with the living anfernee then they walked off I couldn’t hear anymore.  I snuck back home quiet as I could no one heard me no one saw me.

I remember something else anfernee said to me too and this is the one I don’t member when where why.  Its like there’s a red block in my head when I try to picture when where why he said these things to me I can’t see it cause of the red that’s there instead.  But I know it’s anfernee and if I know it’s anfernee then I’ll be able to see it soon cause I still member what anfernee looks like so it won’t be long I’ll member.  But all I member now are his words my words our words.

I said this the last time you come over here.

Anfernee said please don’t hurt me I’m sorry for what I said but his world words sounded strain strange like there was something wrong with his mouth.

I said what you say shitstain can’t hear ya and I laughed.

He said I’ll kill you.

I laugh and said I can’t hear ya ya got no mouth.

Then someone maybe anfernee maybe me said where’s the rope.

That’s all I member for now.

Doctor tibio said you’re not remembering everything because you’ve repressed the memory doctor tibio said writing would help me remember doctor tibio said so many things.

21/04/23
I hear derek crying don’t he know it’s no good crying just makes them pound him more.

25/04/23
Something happened this morning something important I know it did but I can’t member it all it’s all cut up doctor tibio said writing would help me member.

I member having brake breakfast with the others and I member derek now.  He sat next to me derek said I need your help he had dark eyes like he didn’t sleep last night  I said help you with what he said something can’t member what now but it was something important I know it was.

I said okay sure.

I followed derek to where the food is no it wasn’t there not there somewhere else.

I member walking past the tables to the door out to the hallway.  Derek was taking me to the rooms no it wasn’t the rooms it was the showers yes the showerroom that was it derek said he’s in the showers.

Derek kept looking back to see if I was behind him he looked scared I member that but he always looks scared derek like what you say to him or how you look at him makes him shit himself.  Today he looked different though when I think bout it.  He still looked scared but don’t know what it was because he was sort of smiling but like he was trying to hide it yeah I think that’s it.  He looked happy first time he’d ever looked like that.

We got to the showerroom and it was steamy like someone had left the heat hot water on I said is he in there and derek nodded I said what do you want or what should I do derek said I can’t take it anymore chuck you got to help me if you help me I’ll help you derek said you can do things to me chuck or I can do things for you chuck help me huh help me.

I pushed derek off me I said okay fucking pussy stand up stand up for yourself I said you’re a living man not some soft neccer you should be proud proud of your life derek said yeah I know I said I’ll help you this time but you fucking owe me derek said yes I owe you.

I member going into the showers.  I member the steam round me. I member the noise of the water hitting everything tip tap tapping like rain.  I member my shoes slipping on the tiles.  I walked slowly walked towards a black shape in the far corner.  I member taking my shirt off and binding twining twirling it so it wrapped around my hand like a rope.

I said hey but I hell yelled it really.

The shape turned to me I member now it was jackson his hair was slicked down from the shower he was naked three bullet holes in his chest shot in a drive by derek said.  He saw me and stood up tall blowing his chest out his hands were fists at his sides he said what do you want.

I said I want you neccer.

He said fuck off and turned back to the shower but before he did I saw far fear there in his eyes like he membered what happened last time outside and I member hitting him last time outside now and dropping him and putting my foot on his throat and pushing down like he was no thing nothing.  Like he is nothing.
Jackson turned round swung a fist at me but I saw it coming he missed.  He put up his hands started dancing like a boxer.

I said that your best.

He said something but I couldn’t hear it he snarled at me.

He swung again hit me in the shoulder but that was what I wanted him to do.  It hurt like hell he’s a big boy got some mass muscle but I needed him in close so I let him have that one.  He was beside me with the punch I whipped my t-shirt around his neck grabbed it with my hand so that he was in front of me I had his throat with my shirt.

I member the red I saw the red and I let it come this time let it take me didn’t try to stop it I let the world go red I see red I see red I see red.

Jackson gagged tried to wrestle away but I held him fast he wasn’t going nowhere.  I member he kicked back at my shin it stung but I didn’t let go.

I said you lousy deadbeat stealing my uncle’s sheep yeah I member I said that and I squeezed harder.

Jackson said something but I couldn’t hear it because I was choking him.

I said I’m going to teach you a lesson anfernee yeah I said anfernee I called him anfernee.

He said please at least I think that’s what he said it was hard to hear him.

I said you nearly got me last time and when I said that I was suddenly somewhere else.

It wasn’t the showerroom anymore it was the church and it wasn’t me doing the choking it was anfernee and it wasn’t jackson getting choked it was me.

Anfernee had his arm around my throat holding me pinning me to his chest I could feel him breathing on my neck.  He put his knee into my back and pushed me down.  I saw he had jose’s shotgun I had taken from jose’s with the grenade.  anfernee pulled his arm back hit me in the face with the shock stock it hurt like hell I tasted blood broke my teeth I heard em crack anfernee said you gonna die now lifer.

I said please don’t hate hurt me I’m sorry for what I said but it sounded weird from the blood in my mouth like warm copper anfernee said what you say can’t hear ya.

I said I’ll kill you and I meant it I wanted to get him so bad for touche touching me for hitting me for catching me like he did when I wasn’t doing nothing just keeping an eye on the church.  It made me so red that I spit spat at him spat my blood at him it hit him in the face cross across his cheek.

He stopped laughing then his eyes got real wild like an animal.  He punched me in the face again real hard he said I can’t hear ya ya got no mouth.

Then anfernee said I see you got this on your wall huh like a trophy or something he pulls down the noose uncle said the black knights used to use when they were white knights.  Anfernee said just like the old days my grandpa tells me all about the white men and their ropes anfernee tossed the rope over the roof beams where they formed a peak.  He lifted the shotgun pointed it at me.

Come here anfernee said he threw the rope over my neck tightened it dragged me over the floor anfernee said you gonna die now lifer you gonna be dead just like me anfernee said.  He pulled the rope and it got tight on my neck too tight I couldn’t talk anfernee said you feel that that’s your death coming I heard mine coming sounded like a cadillac driving drunk anfernee said hit me outside school can you believe it school grandpa said school would save me no sir grandpa was wrong anfernee said.

I never got the chance to live anfernee said I’m choking I can’t say nothing anfernee said so you won’t either I can’t say nothing I can’t I’m choking I’m choking I’m dying.

Then there was a bang behind me someone yelled what the fuck’s going on and it was uncle it was uncle he was there he’d come to save me he’d come to rescue me teach anfernee a lesson a lesson he should have been taught a long time ago.  And my red was suddenly all around me seething colouring everything it was going to help me now that uncle was there now that uncle would stand beside me fight em back take back what was ours what was white rightfully ours.

I looked at uncle striding into the church he looked so full of red his eyes bloody his jaw clenched then anfernee it must have been anfernee he hit me in the back of the head with the shotgun again and everything went black.

I member now.

I member coming to.  I was on my knees in the showerroom the barn was gone all gone jackson was sitting in the corner with his back against the wall rubbing at his neck saying crazy you crazy boy you crazy.  There were hands on my shoulders strung strong hands someone was saying my name.  When I looked up it was al standing over me holding me back.  Someone put a needle in my arm I got tired dog tired real quick.

But the church anfernee uncle they were gone like they’d never been there but I member I member I member this before I fell asleep in the showerroom I member it now as I write it I member waking up in the church.  The police were there uncle was gone like he’d never been there and anfernee and anfernee was he was hanging hanging from the beams he was hanging there all burnt up not moving all burnt up like a dead animal just hanging all doa dead.

The police said you killed him but I didn’t do it I didn’t do nothing he attacked me but I couldn’t member then but I member now I member I can’t forget it now.

It wasn’t me that killed anfernee that hanged anfernee that burnt him up so he wasn’t moving anymore I was knocked out.  I didn’t see it it wasn’t me that hung anfernee.

It was uncle.

I member it now.  I member.

25/04/23
uncle

uncle

uncle it was you I know it was you it was you uncle why how could you let em take me bring me here you killed anfernee you hung him not me you uncle you uncle you I know it was you even if doctor tibio don’t want to know hear don’t listen when I say it was you uncle not me you.

No killer not a killer not what they all say I am it was uncle

uncle

uncle

uncle fucking roy

29/04/23
Doctor tibio said I’m disappointed in you chuck.

I don’t say nothing.

Doctor tibio said I read your diary chuck while you were out in the yard doctor tibio said that might make you angry might make you red as you call it but after that incident in the showers I had to chuck doctor tibio said I’ve read your file chuck I know what happened with the newly dead boy when you were young doctor tibio said I thought giving you the diary would help you remember what really happened help you realise who you are doctor tibio said but I’ve failed.

I don’t say nothing.

Doctor tibio said derek’s leaving tomorrow do you know doctor tibio said he’s leaving because he told me the truth and he told the parole board the truth and right now chuck he’s on his way to the california correctional center where it’s minimum security and he’s one step closer to getting out into the real world doctor tibio said wouldn’t you like that chuck.

I don’t say nothing.

Doctor tibio shook his head doctor tibio said your uncle did not kill anfernee chuck.

I said yes he did I member it now you helped me member it.

Doctor tibio said no chuck no you’ve created this fantasy to justify what you did to anfernee.

I said no uncle did.

Doctor tibio said chuck no doctor tibio said I’ve read the police report chuck your uncle was at jose mariano’s hardware store ten blocks away he’s got a dozen witnesses chuck doctor tibio said they’ve got footage of you stealing the shotgun and the grenade that was used on anfernee doctor tibio said I don’t know how you made it all the way to the church with that shotgun did you have a bag was it covered with something they found a black sheet in the church with your fingerprints all over it doctor tibio said or did you wear that when you killed him chuck.

I don’t say nothing.

Doctor tibio said whatever it doesn’t matter doctor tibio said what matters is what you did to anfernee doctor tibio said I’ve tried to talk to the warden I’ve tried to talk to the parole board but they don’t care chuck doctor tibio said they don’t want to help you chuck because then they’ll have dead rights breathing down their necks doctor tibio said anfernee may have been dead before you came along but you made sure he was really dead.

I don’t say nothing.

Doctor tibio sighed doctor tibio said look chuck it could cost me my job for saying this but I don’t blame you doctor tibio said I don’t blame you for wanting vengeance after what anfernee made you.

I said what.

Doctor tibio said but we live in a country where violence against another person, no matter if they’re alive or dead, is not tolerated.

I said what do you mean what anfernee made me.

Doctor tibio said what are you talking about.

I said what did anfernee make me.

Doctor tibio said are you serious.

I don’t say nothing.

Doctor tibio said don’t you know.

I don’t say nothing.

Doctor tibio said after anfernee killed you.

30/04/23
I’m writing this waiting for derek.  He still owes me for what I did so he’s bringing me some rope nice strong rope he found in the janitor’s room.  He wasn’t gonna give it to me until I told him it wasn’t for me I ain’t using it on myself I said.  No the rope’s for someone else.

I can’t wait to see doctor tibio tomorrow.

I ain’t no fucking neccer.

when my doctor’s baby’s walking down the street I see red I see red I see red dead red

- Luke Keioskie